I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
