OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
