I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
