the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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