I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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