he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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