Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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