I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
