Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
