college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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