I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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