I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
