I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
