How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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