I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
