$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
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I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."