My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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