Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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