I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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