Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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