Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Randomize
