I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.