Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again