Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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