i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
