Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
