Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
