I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
ttyl tear gas
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
