There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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