So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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