I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
