I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
