My brain says no but my pants say off.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
