I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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