My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
