So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
