we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
