She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize