The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
