Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
