she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
