5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
