ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
