Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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