Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
