The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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