i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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