then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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