Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
