I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
