I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
