Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
