the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
