i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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