I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
