It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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