meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Rumble strips road head = magical
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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