I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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