chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
