i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
