I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I think I just sharted jello shots
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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