she woke up with a sticky ear
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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